Remembering Mary

So yesterday Paul was having surgery to remove the lymphnodes from his neck. According the petscan from last week, the lymphoma was back & it had spread and was showing up in his neck, under his arms, and in his groin. Not a good sign at all. All the kids were devastated, Karen, Nanny & Poppa, my family....all of us. The plan yesterday was for the nodes in his neck to be removed & a biopsy to be done on them to see how progressed the cancer is, and they were also going to put the port in yesterday so they could begin chemo today. We have requested prayers from everyone and so many of you have prayed with us. It is amazing. Karen kept me updated here and there throughout the surgery because Paul had really wanted to come out of surgery and spend the evening with all of his kids. I thought this was too much for him to do, but I knew it meant a lot to him. The kids were really wanting to see and hug dad too. Well surgery was lasting longer then expected so of course I sat here worried but trying to smile so Ally & Cayden didn't worry. I had texted with Paul at noon & he said he was getting ready to head in for surgery. I told him good luck & we loved him and to have a sweet lil nap. Hours went by and just waiting waiting waiting. Karen texts around 5 and says that Paul is out of surgery but he is really out of it. That the doctors have said that the preliminary outlook on the nodes taken out of his neck do NOT appear to be the lymphoma but they are sending them, and some taken from under his arm to a lab for lots of tests and we should have all the results back on Friday. They did not put the port in. I'm thinking "WHAT!?" It is always hard to really understand everything thru text messages so I wasn't sure if I was reading it right. So I write her back and say "it might not be the cancer then?" She writes back and says "YES!!!" Wow, I am so happy and relieved, but then fear washes over me. How could this go from so bad to so good? Could this be nothing short of a HUGE miracle? Was cancer spread through is body 2 weeks ago and now maybe not there? What do I tell the kids? Should I tell them anything? So much goes through my head. And then I thought...do I tell my family? Do I update my facebook? Yesterday I sat quietly and did none of it right away because unfortunately when it comes to cancer....I am a glass half empty kinda gal. I don't want to get everyones hopes up and crush them at the end of the week. We were already all facing the worse so why tell anyone that MAYBE we are facing the best unless we know FOR SURE! Then I remembered 2 things. Paul did promise the kids that he would be honest with them EVERY STEP of the way. Good or bad...they would know EVERYTHING. And number 2, I started this blog so you could go through the ups and downs with my family. The rollercoaster of it all. Life is a rollercoaster and that is what my life is really experiencing right now. There are extreme ups and extreme downs. Honest....every step of the way..honest. So, I sat down with the kids and told them that dad couldn't get them tonight because surgery lasted a little longer then expected, BUT....and then I told them the good news. Cayden smiles right away...Ally looks at me and says "you're just joking, that isn't true." I said "WHAT!? Ally, that would be a horrible thing to lie about or joke about...it is true, Karen just told me." She sat there for a minute and said "I don't get it, how can he have cancer and maybe not have cancer?" I don't know the answers to that so I didn't pretend to know. And in that instant...I wondered if I had done the right thing by telling them. They are young....do they have to go through ALL the ups and downs of cancer? And that was when I thought of Mary.......





Oh Mary, how I miss you so much. I miss how you laugh, I miss how you smile, I miss how you even would yell at me when I acted like a little shit. I miss everything about you! Mary was my second mom. My childhood doesn't have any memories that don't include Mary. She was the biggest part of my life! When I was in 6th grade...Mary was diagnosed with cancer. She was in her early 30's. In my young mind...it NEVER crossed my mind that we would lose Mare. I was a glass half FULL kind of gal back then. I would visit Mary in the hospital, and then there would be months when she would be home. Her hair started to fall out and we sat in the living room at the woods house, the front living room that nobody used, and Mary sat in the rocker and I sat on the floor and we pulled out all kinds of cute contraptions to put on her head. We laughed through it and had fun. Mary never showed she was scared or that anything bad would happen. In 6th grade for my 12th birthday that March...my parents bought me a dalmatian puppy. I had wanted a dalmatian from the time I could talk. It was all I talked about, all I dreamed about, all I ever wanted. I finally had my puppy. I named her Katie Ray. Mary and I both decided that our favorite part of Katie was her ears. She had these cute spotted floppy ears. A few months after getting Katie...Mary was back in the hospital. Kenny was graduating from high school and it was all Mary wanted to be there for Kenny's graduation. She was too sick to go so Kenny dressed in his cap and gown and we all went up to the hospital so Mare could see him. She was so proud. A few weeks later I came home from school and the phone was ringing. I picked it up in the kitchen at the same time Shelly picked it up from upstairs. It was Mare. She says "I just wanted to be the first to tell you girls, before you heard it from anyone else, that I had surgery and the doctors said that my cancer has spread, but they are going to get all of it and everything will be fine." On the other end I sniffle a little bit. Mary says "DAMN IT, Are you crying!?" Me: "no no no, katie ripped open a feather pillow and I am allergic to it so my allergies are really bothering me right now." Mare: "oh okay, well I am going to be FINE, I love you girls." We both say we love you too and hang up. In my 12 year old mind...Mary WAS going to be fine. She said she would be fine, my parents said she would be fine....everyone kept telling me "oh don't worry...she is gonna be fine." It was all I ever heard so being scared or death or any of the bad stuff NEVER crossed my mind. NEVER! I had NO doubts. None. Summer came and went and that Fall I started 7th grade (same grade Ally is in now). I was snooping around Shelly's room and found an old bday card in her closet from Mary that said "to my favorite little girl, Happy Birthday." Being so darn sensitive, my feelings were hurt that Shelly was her "favorite little girl". I thought we were BOTH her favorite? I asked Mary about it and she says "honey, I write that on cards for your special 13th birthday, on your 13th birthday...your card will say: happy birthday to my favorite little girl." THAT explained it and I started to anxiously await my 13th birthday to come in March! It is crazy to think about that now, but when you are a kid....little things like that really mean the world to you. In October 1990, Mary was still in the hospital, but I had no idea that she would never leave the hospital. My parents had talked with us and let us know that we were going to turn the dining room into a little hospital room for Mary so we could see her everyday when we came home from school. How exciting for us! No more having to go to the hospital to see her. Little did I know then, what I know now....they were planning to bring Mary home to be more comfortable to die at home with us. Then transition never took place however. On October 18th, 1990 I returned home from school and waited for my mom to come home to take me to the eye doctor. She never did. I sat home and she never came for me. My dad came home from work that evening and STILL my mom wasn't home. I started to tell my dad "mom was supposed to take me to the eye doctor for new glasses and she didn't show up! Now I missed my appt!" He looks at me and says (word for word...I remember his words and will never forget) "Ang, your mom has been spending a lot of time at the hospital with Mary lately~he pauses~, um Mary is not doing very good and we don't expect her to be with us much longer. Do you want to remember her the way that she was or would you like to go up there and say goodbye to her?" I am dumbfounded and in SHOCK. NOBODY ever told me that Mary would die? Nobody even said that she MIGHT die? Why didn't I know this!? I look at him and say "I want to say goodbye." He says "are you sure? There will be a lot of people up there, they will be crying and holding hands, are you sure you can handle it?" I suck up the tears and say "yup, I can handle it, I wanna say goodbye." He says...okay...get your shoes...lets go. I search around for my shoes and can't find them. Finally find a pair and we climb into the Ford Bronco to make the drive to Mercy Hospital. I am tough and don't want my dad to see me cry so I stare out the window with tears streaming down my face. It was a VERY windy October evening. We arrive at the hospital and we walk in through the emergency entrance. The wind is blowing strong and tears streaming down my face. I remember strangers walking out the emergency doors and looking down at me with looks on their face like "I wonder why that little girl is crying." Dad and I take the elevator up in silence. We get to Mary's floor and start to walk down the hallway to her room. We see Gipper standing in the hallway and he walks towards me and dad shaking his head no. Him and dad quietly talk as I stand there looking up at them and Gip says....Mary passed away 10 minutes ago. Dad hugs me. I'm not allowed to go in the room and see her. She is gone. Just like that, she is gone. I didn't get to say goodbye and here I stand outside her hospital room and she is gone. In that moment...I became a glass half empty kind of gal when dealing with cancer. How could I NOT know how sick she was? I know that my parents only did the best they could and in their minds....shielding me from the pain and the worry was teh best thing to do. I was so mad....I wish I had known she was dying! I would have said so much. The next moments were a blur. We were shuffled into a small room with a pastor and funeral directors (I assume they were). I sat on my moms lap like I hadn't done since I was very little. This night I sat there and quietly listened as the adults made funeral arrangements for Mary. How did I not see this coming? That quickly Mary was gone. My mom and I went over to Aunt Nancy's house & I went in Aunt Nancy's bedroom to use the phone. I called my best friend Shannon and said "Mary died." Shannon said "oh Angie, I am so sorry." The next day I went to school. Everyone expected Shelly & I to stay home, but I just couldn't.....I think some of it was still just shock. Mary had an open casket. At her visitation she wore a black & white polka dot shirt. She looked beautiful. She wore an angel pin on her shirt, the pin that I had bought her while in Washington D.C. That night she was moved to St.Thomas Church for the funeral that day. They had decided that someone would stay at the church with Mary at all times. Her casket was closed during this time, but we slept at the church. I remember laying on the ground at the front of the church just staring at the casket. The whole family stayed at the church. Looking back now...I feel so blessed that I had that night at the church with Mary. That all of our family did. We played the song "Friends are Friends Forever". I might not have gotten to say goodbye to her, but I was able to spend the night with her on the last night before they buried her and for that...I am thankful. At the funeral the next day....it was a large Catholic Funeral. They played "Wind Beneath My Wings" I never cried until they had Kenny, Shelly, & I walk up to the front of the church as the song was playing. I looked over and Shelly was crying. Then I cried. We sat back in the pew and I looked over and even Kenny was crying. It was the first and only time I have ever seen my brother cry. The funeral ended and we all went outside and released balloons into the sky as they drove Mary's body away to St. Mary's Cemetarty to be buried. That October was a gloomy and cold and lonely. Christmas came and went. I missed Mary more then ever. In March I turned 13. Instead of being thrilled to be a teenager...I sat in my room alone and cried. I would never get that card that Mary promised me for my 13th bday. The one that would read "to my favorite girl." Over 20 years have gone by now. I have missed Mary during every holiday, every birthday, every family celebration. I wanted her there for my wedding, I wanted her there for advice throughout my divorce, I most definately wanted her there for the birth of my 4 children. I have missed Mary everyday of my life for 20 years. And 20 years later, although you can't see them...the scars are there. The scars of "not being told the truth", the scars of being so clueless that I could lose my Mare. Paul's cancer is a grim reminder of all of this. It chokes me up and makes me relive losing Mary over and over again. On moments when I stop to question what I should share with the kids and the facebook world and what I should not share....I have to remember Mary.