Remembering Mary

So yesterday Paul was having surgery to remove the lymphnodes from his neck. According the petscan from last week, the lymphoma was back & it had spread and was showing up in his neck, under his arms, and in his groin. Not a good sign at all. All the kids were devastated, Karen, Nanny & Poppa, my family....all of us. The plan yesterday was for the nodes in his neck to be removed & a biopsy to be done on them to see how progressed the cancer is, and they were also going to put the port in yesterday so they could begin chemo today. We have requested prayers from everyone and so many of you have prayed with us. It is amazing. Karen kept me updated here and there throughout the surgery because Paul had really wanted to come out of surgery and spend the evening with all of his kids. I thought this was too much for him to do, but I knew it meant a lot to him. The kids were really wanting to see and hug dad too. Well surgery was lasting longer then expected so of course I sat here worried but trying to smile so Ally & Cayden didn't worry. I had texted with Paul at noon & he said he was getting ready to head in for surgery. I told him good luck & we loved him and to have a sweet lil nap. Hours went by and just waiting waiting waiting. Karen texts around 5 and says that Paul is out of surgery but he is really out of it. That the doctors have said that the preliminary outlook on the nodes taken out of his neck do NOT appear to be the lymphoma but they are sending them, and some taken from under his arm to a lab for lots of tests and we should have all the results back on Friday. They did not put the port in. I'm thinking "WHAT!?" It is always hard to really understand everything thru text messages so I wasn't sure if I was reading it right. So I write her back and say "it might not be the cancer then?" She writes back and says "YES!!!" Wow, I am so happy and relieved, but then fear washes over me. How could this go from so bad to so good? Could this be nothing short of a HUGE miracle? Was cancer spread through is body 2 weeks ago and now maybe not there? What do I tell the kids? Should I tell them anything? So much goes through my head. And then I thought...do I tell my family? Do I update my facebook? Yesterday I sat quietly and did none of it right away because unfortunately when it comes to cancer....I am a glass half empty kinda gal. I don't want to get everyones hopes up and crush them at the end of the week. We were already all facing the worse so why tell anyone that MAYBE we are facing the best unless we know FOR SURE! Then I remembered 2 things. Paul did promise the kids that he would be honest with them EVERY STEP of the way. Good or bad...they would know EVERYTHING. And number 2, I started this blog so you could go through the ups and downs with my family. The rollercoaster of it all. Life is a rollercoaster and that is what my life is really experiencing right now. There are extreme ups and extreme downs. Honest....every step of the way..honest. So, I sat down with the kids and told them that dad couldn't get them tonight because surgery lasted a little longer then expected, BUT....and then I told them the good news. Cayden smiles right away...Ally looks at me and says "you're just joking, that isn't true." I said "WHAT!? Ally, that would be a horrible thing to lie about or joke about...it is true, Karen just told me." She sat there for a minute and said "I don't get it, how can he have cancer and maybe not have cancer?" I don't know the answers to that so I didn't pretend to know. And in that instant...I wondered if I had done the right thing by telling them. They are young....do they have to go through ALL the ups and downs of cancer? And that was when I thought of Mary.......





Oh Mary, how I miss you so much. I miss how you laugh, I miss how you smile, I miss how you even would yell at me when I acted like a little shit. I miss everything about you! Mary was my second mom. My childhood doesn't have any memories that don't include Mary. She was the biggest part of my life! When I was in 6th grade...Mary was diagnosed with cancer. She was in her early 30's. In my young mind...it NEVER crossed my mind that we would lose Mare. I was a glass half FULL kind of gal back then. I would visit Mary in the hospital, and then there would be months when she would be home. Her hair started to fall out and we sat in the living room at the woods house, the front living room that nobody used, and Mary sat in the rocker and I sat on the floor and we pulled out all kinds of cute contraptions to put on her head. We laughed through it and had fun. Mary never showed she was scared or that anything bad would happen. In 6th grade for my 12th birthday that March...my parents bought me a dalmatian puppy. I had wanted a dalmatian from the time I could talk. It was all I talked about, all I dreamed about, all I ever wanted. I finally had my puppy. I named her Katie Ray. Mary and I both decided that our favorite part of Katie was her ears. She had these cute spotted floppy ears. A few months after getting Katie...Mary was back in the hospital. Kenny was graduating from high school and it was all Mary wanted to be there for Kenny's graduation. She was too sick to go so Kenny dressed in his cap and gown and we all went up to the hospital so Mare could see him. She was so proud. A few weeks later I came home from school and the phone was ringing. I picked it up in the kitchen at the same time Shelly picked it up from upstairs. It was Mare. She says "I just wanted to be the first to tell you girls, before you heard it from anyone else, that I had surgery and the doctors said that my cancer has spread, but they are going to get all of it and everything will be fine." On the other end I sniffle a little bit. Mary says "DAMN IT, Are you crying!?" Me: "no no no, katie ripped open a feather pillow and I am allergic to it so my allergies are really bothering me right now." Mare: "oh okay, well I am going to be FINE, I love you girls." We both say we love you too and hang up. In my 12 year old mind...Mary WAS going to be fine. She said she would be fine, my parents said she would be fine....everyone kept telling me "oh don't worry...she is gonna be fine." It was all I ever heard so being scared or death or any of the bad stuff NEVER crossed my mind. NEVER! I had NO doubts. None. Summer came and went and that Fall I started 7th grade (same grade Ally is in now). I was snooping around Shelly's room and found an old bday card in her closet from Mary that said "to my favorite little girl, Happy Birthday." Being so darn sensitive, my feelings were hurt that Shelly was her "favorite little girl". I thought we were BOTH her favorite? I asked Mary about it and she says "honey, I write that on cards for your special 13th birthday, on your 13th birthday...your card will say: happy birthday to my favorite little girl." THAT explained it and I started to anxiously await my 13th birthday to come in March! It is crazy to think about that now, but when you are a kid....little things like that really mean the world to you. In October 1990, Mary was still in the hospital, but I had no idea that she would never leave the hospital. My parents had talked with us and let us know that we were going to turn the dining room into a little hospital room for Mary so we could see her everyday when we came home from school. How exciting for us! No more having to go to the hospital to see her. Little did I know then, what I know now....they were planning to bring Mary home to be more comfortable to die at home with us. Then transition never took place however. On October 18th, 1990 I returned home from school and waited for my mom to come home to take me to the eye doctor. She never did. I sat home and she never came for me. My dad came home from work that evening and STILL my mom wasn't home. I started to tell my dad "mom was supposed to take me to the eye doctor for new glasses and she didn't show up! Now I missed my appt!" He looks at me and says (word for word...I remember his words and will never forget) "Ang, your mom has been spending a lot of time at the hospital with Mary lately~he pauses~, um Mary is not doing very good and we don't expect her to be with us much longer. Do you want to remember her the way that she was or would you like to go up there and say goodbye to her?" I am dumbfounded and in SHOCK. NOBODY ever told me that Mary would die? Nobody even said that she MIGHT die? Why didn't I know this!? I look at him and say "I want to say goodbye." He says "are you sure? There will be a lot of people up there, they will be crying and holding hands, are you sure you can handle it?" I suck up the tears and say "yup, I can handle it, I wanna say goodbye." He says...okay...get your shoes...lets go. I search around for my shoes and can't find them. Finally find a pair and we climb into the Ford Bronco to make the drive to Mercy Hospital. I am tough and don't want my dad to see me cry so I stare out the window with tears streaming down my face. It was a VERY windy October evening. We arrive at the hospital and we walk in through the emergency entrance. The wind is blowing strong and tears streaming down my face. I remember strangers walking out the emergency doors and looking down at me with looks on their face like "I wonder why that little girl is crying." Dad and I take the elevator up in silence. We get to Mary's floor and start to walk down the hallway to her room. We see Gipper standing in the hallway and he walks towards me and dad shaking his head no. Him and dad quietly talk as I stand there looking up at them and Gip says....Mary passed away 10 minutes ago. Dad hugs me. I'm not allowed to go in the room and see her. She is gone. Just like that, she is gone. I didn't get to say goodbye and here I stand outside her hospital room and she is gone. In that moment...I became a glass half empty kind of gal when dealing with cancer. How could I NOT know how sick she was? I know that my parents only did the best they could and in their minds....shielding me from the pain and the worry was teh best thing to do. I was so mad....I wish I had known she was dying! I would have said so much. The next moments were a blur. We were shuffled into a small room with a pastor and funeral directors (I assume they were). I sat on my moms lap like I hadn't done since I was very little. This night I sat there and quietly listened as the adults made funeral arrangements for Mary. How did I not see this coming? That quickly Mary was gone. My mom and I went over to Aunt Nancy's house & I went in Aunt Nancy's bedroom to use the phone. I called my best friend Shannon and said "Mary died." Shannon said "oh Angie, I am so sorry." The next day I went to school. Everyone expected Shelly & I to stay home, but I just couldn't.....I think some of it was still just shock. Mary had an open casket. At her visitation she wore a black & white polka dot shirt. She looked beautiful. She wore an angel pin on her shirt, the pin that I had bought her while in Washington D.C. That night she was moved to St.Thomas Church for the funeral that day. They had decided that someone would stay at the church with Mary at all times. Her casket was closed during this time, but we slept at the church. I remember laying on the ground at the front of the church just staring at the casket. The whole family stayed at the church. Looking back now...I feel so blessed that I had that night at the church with Mary. That all of our family did. We played the song "Friends are Friends Forever". I might not have gotten to say goodbye to her, but I was able to spend the night with her on the last night before they buried her and for that...I am thankful. At the funeral the next day....it was a large Catholic Funeral. They played "Wind Beneath My Wings" I never cried until they had Kenny, Shelly, & I walk up to the front of the church as the song was playing. I looked over and Shelly was crying. Then I cried. We sat back in the pew and I looked over and even Kenny was crying. It was the first and only time I have ever seen my brother cry. The funeral ended and we all went outside and released balloons into the sky as they drove Mary's body away to St. Mary's Cemetarty to be buried. That October was a gloomy and cold and lonely. Christmas came and went. I missed Mary more then ever. In March I turned 13. Instead of being thrilled to be a teenager...I sat in my room alone and cried. I would never get that card that Mary promised me for my 13th bday. The one that would read "to my favorite girl." Over 20 years have gone by now. I have missed Mary during every holiday, every birthday, every family celebration. I wanted her there for my wedding, I wanted her there for advice throughout my divorce, I most definately wanted her there for the birth of my 4 children. I have missed Mary everyday of my life for 20 years. And 20 years later, although you can't see them...the scars are there. The scars of "not being told the truth", the scars of being so clueless that I could lose my Mare. Paul's cancer is a grim reminder of all of this. It chokes me up and makes me relive losing Mary over and over again. On moments when I stop to question what I should share with the kids and the facebook world and what I should not share....I have to remember Mary.

LOVE my babies!

Have I said lately how amazing my kids are? They all are, but this particular blog I have to dedicate to Ally & Cayden....hmmmm, well and a funny story of Reese. The rest of the gang is at the condo this weekend so the 3 kids and I had the weekend at home together. Today was a BIG day for Reesie! Aunt Shelly & Jillian stopped over and Reese was sleeping. I woke her up to visit & changed her diaper right away. Within 2 minutes of changing her into a dry diaper...in typical "Reese fashion", she looks at me...squats down and starts to grunt. "NO NO NO REESE! I JUST changed YOU!" So then I get this bright idea that I will put her on the big girl potty. Granted she is only 15 mos. old, but never to soon to start right? After all...The Fockers cat Jinxy can go on the potty AND flush the toilet!!! So I strip Reese down bare booty naked and she whimpers and cries like she is scared of the big potty, but then she starts to grunt and push. Shelly, Jillian, Cayden, & I are all standing in the bathroom saying "you can do it Reese...PUSHHHHHHHH!" She wimpers a little more, grunts and then ...... and then.... ploop ploop ploop. I raise my eyebrows up...smile real big...check the potty and sure enough...SHE DID IT! ... YAY! We all clap and say "YAY REESIE!" I take her off the potty and point down in the toilet to show her....look Reese...look what Reese did!? Reesie poo poo'd...BIG GIRL Reese!" She smiles, laughs, claps her hands.... and THEN....just like an excited dog would do....she pees all over her feet, my feet, and the floor and stands there naked and giggles! UGH REESE! I guess only one thing at a time can be accomplished. So today, 2/5/11 I announce that Reese Michelle poo poo'd on the potty for the VERY FIRST TIME! Proud mommy moment! I even took a picture of the poo. Hey, don't judge me! So later this afternoon....Reese heads off to spend some time with her dad so I have the whole afternoon & evening for just Ally & Cayden. I was really happy to be able to have some alone time with both of them. 3 days ago I had to break the news to them that Paul's cancer is back. It was heart breaking news for all of us. No child should ever have to hear that their daddy, their hero....is sick again. :( Their heartaches and tears are my heartaches and tears. Watching them in so much pain literally broke my heart. We all HATE cancer! Paul has always ate healthy, exercised, and never smoked a day in his life. I don't understand how this can happen to my kids "superman", but I do know that in true "superman" fashion...Paul will fight this again and WIN! He has too much to live for! So today, Ally & Cayden deserved a "me day" in my opinion. We went on a little shopping spree and just had hours of fun hanging out, buying clothes, going to the candy store, getting playstation games....just whatever their hearts desire. I normally don't spoil them so much, but I wanted to today and so I did. It was so much fun. Unfortunately, cancer is now part of their vocabulary and never far from their minds. Throughout the day there were questions that would pop up here and there like "mom, will our schedule with dad change now that he has cancer?" Then maybe an hour later "mom, does chemo cost money?" Then a couple hours after that... "mom, when our dad throws up from the cancer, we can't get what makes him throw up and start throwing up too can we?" Even during our happiest of moments, cancer is still there. They are scared and have questions. Please pray for Paul and please pray for this journey that my kids are on. Please pray for me to have the strength to answer these questions...I don't know all the right answers, but I am trying. I am trying. I love you Ally & Cayden. You both deserve the happiest of HAPPY that the world can bring you!

Where has the time gone...

I am so sad that Valentines Day is right around the corner and I haven't found time to write since LAST Valentines!!! I started 4Inspiration on facebook and it took off much faster then I had ever expected or dreamed it would. Between the business and the kids....life was just, um, well CHAOS! So much has happened this past year & OMG how BIG the kids are getting! This year we entered full throttle into the middle school/boyfriend/girlfriend/hormones/attitudes stage. It makes me appreciate the imagination of Trace a little more and the innocence of Reese. Why can't we just freeze time? Being a blended family has had many ups and downs, but here we stand all together still. The kids are going through different stages constantly and it is always important to try to make them all to feel special. Recently our family has really gone through some tough times. We have had this court battle regarding Kevin's kids (my stepkids) and to read what we were being accused of was .... heart wrenching. Their mother was fighting for full custody and a lot of the lies that were told will be hard to ever forgive. To hear someone say you have beaten a child to the point that they have memory loss and blackouts....to say you tell the children you don't love them and would be better off without them in your life...those are just a couple of examples of what I was being labeled as. My bond with Megan has always been very tight. She is a special little girl and so very sweet. Over this past year....Kammi and I have really been getting so much closer too. She has always been a bit of a momma's girl and I never wanted to step on anyones toes, but I have to tell ya...it feels so good to hear her ask to spend weekends with me. On New Years Eve she didn't want to go with mom or dad, but instead chose to go with me to ring in the New Year, and then last weekend she was going to go up with Kevin to the condo skiing, but I had to stay behind for Cayden's first basketball game and so she sweetly came up and asked if she could spend the weekend with me instead. For Kammi to get to this point....it makes me smile. On Sunday...her and Ally climbed in bed with me and we had "girl time" where we giggled and talked and just hung out. THOSE are the moments that I have to remember to keep me very calm when I am being faced with "child abuse" accussations & more. I realize that the "BIG" picture of this whole court date was about "money" and not REALLY thinking we do all the horrible things to the kids that we were being accused of, but what I don't get....is if you want money...just say "I am going to take you to court for child support". Why say all the lies, all the hurtful things, and fill the kids heads with more then any child should have to hear!? THAT I don't get. I don't get that at all. Sooooo, court was today. My mom came with kevin and I for support. The Judge spoke privately with each of the attorneys and then referred the case to friend of the court. He threw out all the nonsense lies without us even having to see the inside of the courtroom! He was very familiar with the case because unfortunately this isn't our first time in court. He took a look at the names and what we were being accused of and didn't even see us. I have prayed for a long time for the TRUTH. That is all I wanted was for the truth to come out. If she wants money from us, then fine...no problem paying money, but the rest of it....just sick. I'm glad that the Judge wasn't in the mood for the high school drama and BS. We only want was is best for the kids and in our opinion....it is always best for the kids to see both mom and dad. However, we are very concerned with the "things" being said to the kids and don't really know if that is healthy for them either. What to do what to do??? Thank you everyone for your support during this difficult time. It is always hard to hear horrible things about yourself and God knows that we all have a past and make mistakes sometimes, but when the horrible things are lies and involve the children.....it was really hard on all of us. Continue to pray for the best outcome for all of us. Right now, everything in the world is as it should be.

Four reasons I love my life! "You never know the love of a mother until you become one." Thank you for making my life brighter everyday. I love you Toot Man, Bug, T, and Peanut. God has blessed me with amazing children. Cayden with his sense of humor is able to make me laugh everyday, Ally with her willingness to help me out & lend a hand whenever I ask is greatly appreciated, Trace with his big heart & wonderful spirit makes me feel loved & needed everyday, & Reese with her ability to snuggle with me & smile sweetly helps me to remember to just slow down & enjoy the moment

Valentines Parties

Trace & Hailey

Ally's 1st Valentines present from her boyfriend Tyler. She was thrilled!

Austin, Kam, & Trace after their parties.

Reese looks like she is ready to blow a double kiss in her sleep!

Reese 3 months

Sometimes nothing goes as planned....but that's okay

On normal weekdays, I go back down for a nap with Reese while the older kids go to school in the morning since I am usually exhausted after being woke up a couple times throughout the night for feedings still. However, this morning was different....it was the morning of the day that Reese would get her 3 month pictures taken. I was so excited. Seriously more excited then Christmas morning so there was no way I could fall back asleep. I spent the morning packing a bag with a couple outfits for pictures, searching all over for her black leggings which I never did find, and then I woke Reese up to give her a bath. The morning started of a little rocky though...I had woken up with a bug bite of some sort on my booty. Yes some nasty bug thought my butt would be fun to bite I guess. Then after I gave Reese her bath and dressed her in her first picture outfit....I layed her down with some of her toys so I could throw something on myself that wasn't puke stained. It is a big accomplishment for me if I manage to change my clothes or get a shower these days. Reese played for about 10 minutes before puking all over. Luckily I had a huge bib on her so she didn't get it on her outfit, BUT she was laying on her back so it all pooled around to the back of her head. Wonderful! Her clean hair was now puke hair. I wiped it off as best I could...we were running late & I wasn't gonna have time for another bath for her at that moment. HEY..don't judge me! It was the back of her hair anyways and actually worked nice like gel ;) About 2 minutes after the puke incident, Reese decided she wanted to take a BIG morning poo! Nice Ree. Real nice. YES I did change her diaper! THAT couldn't wait til after pics!!! lol. By this time my nice booty bite was starting to swell and itch...nothing better then itchy booty, but I was on a mission to get my baby girl to her very first picture shoot. We rushed down to the bus stop and picked up Trace. Once we met my sister at the mall, we were a little early for the picture shoot so we ran down to payless to buy Trace some new shoes. I managed to talk him into a pair that was on clearance and he proceeded to show me how much faster he could run with new shoes on! And said "HEY MOM...I can even walk on my tiptoes real good with these shoes!" Uh no son, no need to show me how you walk on your tip toes. Man up would ya!? By this time my hands were getting super itchy and were starting to swell too....I had no idea what had bit me, but I had a feeling that it was starting to effect more then just my butt! Photo shoot started at 1 and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't a little disappointed. I had such high hopes and then Reese was starting to get tired. She wasn't too bad, not really cranky but she was tired and giving me her tired eyes with not much of a smile. I did manage to get one crooked, kind of cocky looking smile out of her. The photographer wasn't as involved or helpful as I hoped she would be...she seemed kind of new to it like maybe she didn't have kids of her own. All in all I was satisfied with a handful of pics so I guess that it was a success afterall. Shelly & I decided after I picked out several poses and paid for them that I would feed Reese & then run her down to Sears for a 2nd photo shoot to see if those pics would turn out any better. However, Reese had other plans and quickly fell asleep...I thought even sleeping pics of her would be cute but when we walked down to Sears...their photography studio was closed for lunch. Bummer. Oh well, at least I did get a few good shots of her already. Plus by this time the itching and swelling was becoming unbearable. I wanted to shop, but I was having a horrible allergic reaction and couldn't get out of the mall fast enough. You KNOW it must be bad if I leave the mall to go to urgent care! Thankfully Shelly took Trace & Reese for me. By the time I walked into urgent care my hands, fingers, arms, and feet were swollen and itchy. I was taking my shoes and socks off as I was walking in the door cause the itching was so painful. My left thumb hurt because it swelled so big and I had welts along my arm. They immediately got me in the back and gave me two shots & then I had to wait while they observed. Thankfully the one shot for the itching kicked in pretty quickly so that was a huge relief! The Dr. said it was a definate allergic reaction to something, but they have no idea exactly what caused it. I came home and slept for a few hours so now it is 3:12 a.m. and Reese is staying the night at Shelly's house so tonight I can actually SLEEP without getting up to feed a baby and wouldn't ya know that I am wide awake!!! P.S. Don't be jealous Kenny that Shelly made it onto "Angie and Kevin plus 7". You will eventually have your moment to shine in the spotlight ;)